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04 May 2007

Babysteps

I had to follow up. I managed to clear up the garage - not really clean it, but shuffle things around; tossed a few boxes, got bit by a few spiders, emptied out some trash, bit by a few more spiders, stacked like on top of like, argh - another spider bite and I was soooo done!!

I'm sure to a stranger's eye it looks something akin to an abyss, but to mine? Ah bliss, it was a minor miracle to say the least. The sprinkler man and landlord have a direct path to the sprinkler system, and should make the trek with narry a bite. Lucky them, I counted five last I checked, but had to stop given the rather severe case of heebiejeebies I'd suddenly developed. I'm breathing fairly well, so must assume the monstrous black widow I envisoned failed to exist. I'm thankful I did not manifest that fear today!

And now to the inside, where I am intent on progress towards a cleaner home tonight so that tomorrow I may be Present with my children.

Missing: one dose of Motivation

I'm not understanding my actions, or lack thereof, these days. I've been stuck in that weird mental / spiritual bog manifested by total inaction. At least that's how it feels.

I did clean my house, and I do mean a deep, scouring, purging sort. Mr. Clean himself would have been impressed. I even maintained that state for three entire weeks. Then chaos reigned supreme yet again. The 18 year old was in a car accident, not driving for once. Cared for her over the next two weeks, and the 9 year old, subconciously rebelling at the lost attention to his big sis, dislocated his hip. Drats, there went another week.

So, of course, I was determined - my house once again symbolized the cluttered and chaotic state of my internal makings. Mary Poppins, move over cuz I'm going to manifest some magic - or not. Now the 7 year old is hurt, fell off our play house to the rather large and inviting tree root turned magnet below. "May I take your order please?" whispered the grating voice of chaos, and against my will I asked for one closed head injury and a broken wrist.
At least, I'd like to believe it was against my will. I know all about the laws of attraction, and I convince myself daily that I can change the chaotic, mixed up pace of our lives. I certainly spend enough time contemplating my navel and the agony of karmic philosophy to have formed some sort of brilliant plan.

Ah, I've hit it - that invisible wall. I can't type over the incessant little voice in my ear. It's barely a whisper, but oh so noticeable. "Get up, move, do, be." I think I'll go clean the house some more, prepare for the inevitable frown upon our landlord's face tomorrow morning. "What do you mean you didn't have time clean the garage?"

Ah yes, I have been out of work for six months, and no the kids don't need any of my time. The 50 applications and 20 odd interviews were mere figments of my imagination, there to keep the ensuing depression at bay. I am, to say the least, a liability in my field at the moment. But that's a lie as well. Truth is, I hate my 'field' per se. Helping and healing are wonderful pursuits, but that isn't what medicine strives for today. But back to the garage, truth is I am afraid to clean it. There are black widows in there!!!! I wonder what those symbolize from the inner workings of my mind.