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25 October 2007

So Incredibly Confused

Finally, the long awaited job opportunity. The one I prayed for, and insisted was the necessary foot in the door. The job I swear is my ticket to furthering my plans to teach...

I cannot help but wonder what in the world is wrong with me. I am already unhappy. Why, you ask? There's just something about knowing that I am expected to work a five hour day yet received pay for only 4 hours. There is something I rail against when I realize that I am receiving the doo doo jobs becuase the full time jobs were filled. I ask myself who knew who, how bad do I look on paper, is it just that I didn't call soon enough, or is there something wrong with me? And of course, how do I approach this now. Do I say, sorry I can't work for free, even if it's only one hour a day. I know that teachers, which I profess to want to be, work plenty of hours without pay if you get right down to it. Am I going to rail against that? Of course not I tell myself.

Right now is about freaking out. It's about wondering how in the heck I support my children on less than $800 a month when our expenses are increasing rather than decreasing. I look over my budget. What are the essential and nonessential expenses. Well, cable is certainly not essential - but the kids do NOTHING in terms of sports or outdoor play as we can't afford the toys. Is the extra 20 a month really so horribly criminal. My mind screams yes, of course it is, but with my education and theirs internet truly is a MUST and the cost of that goes up without computer, so the savings is truly that small. Sigh. There isn't an iota of extra beyond that in our budget, in fact, I don't allow for haircuts, clothing, medical expenses, car repairs, renters insurance... the list goes on. I am scared. It is a hole I don't know how to dig out of or escape. I feel trapped, angry with myself and betrayed by friends who refuse to listen. I don't want anyone to fix it - that is MY job. But suggestions, ideas I don't realize because I am no longer capable of rational thought.

There are other jobs out there, within the same district. Do I risk burning a bridge to say, this isn't what you promised and I want that one instead. Do I keep it and further risk our own livelihood in the meantime. What the h e l l is the answer, and why can't it come to me clearly.

Don't post personal and work info on your blog, your employer may search for and find it, then use it to make decsions about your employability. I read that this week on a jobing site. Wow. Guess I could be creating the answer as I speak - figuratively that is.

Goddess Bless Us that the answers are revealed and I am open to seeing them. For now, I retire more confused than ever.

19 October 2007

On going out...

"Mommakat, why don't you go out more often?" asked the youngest mischievous cub.

"Well," I purred as I wrinkled my nose, "when Momma goes out I end up looking like this!"

The cubs played the video below and howled with laughter.

Soon the laughter abated and we snuggled in for a good book. Not before brother cub leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I think you're a pretty witch!"

14 October 2007

The Magic of a Child's hugs

Feeling so much better now. I took some time to stop thinking, just be and breathe. My youngest walked up, wrapped her arms around me and we just were - for a moment, but a blissful moment. I swear her hugs are pure magic that warm me from my toes to my nose, all around and back in through her. It's that special warmth full of magic and love. Not far behind her came my son, down from his angry outburst (most likely covering hurt feelings and the overtiredness resulting from a weekend filled with far too many parties.) His hugs are different and speak of a magic shared between us, unspoken but real and strengthening us both. There's an intensity there, just under the surface, ready to burst forth in spurts of rage or laughter - whichever promises faster release. Yet, once loose, destined to be replaced by more in a nanosecond. How quickly they grow, I think to myself, and hold tighter for as long as he'll allow. Truly there is magic to be shared here, if only for the briefest of moments, and I intend to cherish and relish every second of it that I can.

Blessed Be

My heart is heavy

Have you ever been in the position of knowing you'd poured out your heart and soul, including all the little bits and pieces you were afraid to have anyone see, just to have it all stomped on and squished? I feel like that today. I've had a place, a group of friends, where no matter how ugly or scary some of my inner embarrassments were I simply shared them. I trusted I was sharing in a safe and understanding place, and now I've learned that wasn't the case.

I've been thinking a lot about how I tend to bare my soul to people my own family would call essential strangers, though I personally felt that 3/4 of a decade in a cyberrelationship somehow means we know and care for one another. Is that possible? I think so. There are people who I've never met, or only met briefly, yet through the things we've shared via our private forum and email I regard them as closely as I do my own sisters.

I have always described myself as a bit Pollyanna-esque, so perhaps the above fits that description well, and serves to explain why I was so effectively blindsighted. Some people just get life, and there are those of us who struggle and muddle through, look at the people around us, and exclaim surprisedly, "So that's how you're supposed to do it!" No joke. Somehow I feel I missed the essential lessons, and despite not ever wanting to give up all the blessings I've received throughout this crazy mixed up cat race I'm in, I do occasionally daydream about what it might have looked like had I not cut class! I keep reminding myself the silver lining is that I do seem to have 9 bonafide lives, and while I may be at the begining of the last - perhaps I've learned enough by this point to make it the BEST. (Yep, that's me you hear purring "Please let it be so!" in the background!)

Well, it's time to move on, both literally and figuratively. Birthday parties to drive to, laundry monsters waking, wriggling and preparing to attack, stomaches growling their intent to ambush. . . No matter how mixed up my insides get, life proceeds - and I intend to win this Sunday afternoon battle!