14 October 2007

My heart is heavy

Have you ever been in the position of knowing you'd poured out your heart and soul, including all the little bits and pieces you were afraid to have anyone see, just to have it all stomped on and squished? I feel like that today. I've had a place, a group of friends, where no matter how ugly or scary some of my inner embarrassments were I simply shared them. I trusted I was sharing in a safe and understanding place, and now I've learned that wasn't the case.

I've been thinking a lot about how I tend to bare my soul to people my own family would call essential strangers, though I personally felt that 3/4 of a decade in a cyberrelationship somehow means we know and care for one another. Is that possible? I think so. There are people who I've never met, or only met briefly, yet through the things we've shared via our private forum and email I regard them as closely as I do my own sisters.

I have always described myself as a bit Pollyanna-esque, so perhaps the above fits that description well, and serves to explain why I was so effectively blindsighted. Some people just get life, and there are those of us who struggle and muddle through, look at the people around us, and exclaim surprisedly, "So that's how you're supposed to do it!" No joke. Somehow I feel I missed the essential lessons, and despite not ever wanting to give up all the blessings I've received throughout this crazy mixed up cat race I'm in, I do occasionally daydream about what it might have looked like had I not cut class! I keep reminding myself the silver lining is that I do seem to have 9 bonafide lives, and while I may be at the begining of the last - perhaps I've learned enough by this point to make it the BEST. (Yep, that's me you hear purring "Please let it be so!" in the background!)

Well, it's time to move on, both literally and figuratively. Birthday parties to drive to, laundry monsters waking, wriggling and preparing to attack, stomaches growling their intent to ambush. . . No matter how mixed up my insides get, life proceeds - and I intend to win this Sunday afternoon battle!

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