25 October 2007

So Incredibly Confused

Finally, the long awaited job opportunity. The one I prayed for, and insisted was the necessary foot in the door. The job I swear is my ticket to furthering my plans to teach...

I cannot help but wonder what in the world is wrong with me. I am already unhappy. Why, you ask? There's just something about knowing that I am expected to work a five hour day yet received pay for only 4 hours. There is something I rail against when I realize that I am receiving the doo doo jobs becuase the full time jobs were filled. I ask myself who knew who, how bad do I look on paper, is it just that I didn't call soon enough, or is there something wrong with me? And of course, how do I approach this now. Do I say, sorry I can't work for free, even if it's only one hour a day. I know that teachers, which I profess to want to be, work plenty of hours without pay if you get right down to it. Am I going to rail against that? Of course not I tell myself.

Right now is about freaking out. It's about wondering how in the heck I support my children on less than $800 a month when our expenses are increasing rather than decreasing. I look over my budget. What are the essential and nonessential expenses. Well, cable is certainly not essential - but the kids do NOTHING in terms of sports or outdoor play as we can't afford the toys. Is the extra 20 a month really so horribly criminal. My mind screams yes, of course it is, but with my education and theirs internet truly is a MUST and the cost of that goes up without computer, so the savings is truly that small. Sigh. There isn't an iota of extra beyond that in our budget, in fact, I don't allow for haircuts, clothing, medical expenses, car repairs, renters insurance... the list goes on. I am scared. It is a hole I don't know how to dig out of or escape. I feel trapped, angry with myself and betrayed by friends who refuse to listen. I don't want anyone to fix it - that is MY job. But suggestions, ideas I don't realize because I am no longer capable of rational thought.

There are other jobs out there, within the same district. Do I risk burning a bridge to say, this isn't what you promised and I want that one instead. Do I keep it and further risk our own livelihood in the meantime. What the h e l l is the answer, and why can't it come to me clearly.

Don't post personal and work info on your blog, your employer may search for and find it, then use it to make decsions about your employability. I read that this week on a jobing site. Wow. Guess I could be creating the answer as I speak - figuratively that is.

Goddess Bless Us that the answers are revealed and I am open to seeing them. For now, I retire more confused than ever.

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