09 April 2008

Where there's a Will there's a Way

That's what the director of the teaching program I applied for said to me just moments ago. The irony lies in the fact that this seemingly simple statement underscores my entire adolescent and adult life. I simply decided I wanted to join swim team, not realizing the keen importance of truly knowing how to swim, and competitively at that. Suffice it to say I learned, rather quickly. That same year I set my sites on touring West Virginia and D.C. with my highschool orchestra. Where the notion came from remains a mystery, but I determined to fundraise better than ever seen before. Once again, my plan lacked any appreciation of the true results, which I'm sure my parents lamented more than a few times. I sold pizzas by calling everyone listed in the greater Milwaukee area's white pages, A to L. 224 pizzas later, I learned a little bit about considering the repercussions of one's actions, but only just a little bit.

My sister claims to stand in awe of my ability to manifest the things I want or feel I need in life. I question the awe, for as I see it, I share a love- hate relationship with the whole notion. One minute I forget the abiltiy exists for us all, the next I embrace it, simultaneously failing to remember that manifestation does not equate always good and positive. I became disillusioned and unahppy in the field of nursing, oft lamenting problems I perceived, and both the physical and mental toll of a career I sought to love. I complained myself right into an injury that precludes further nursing. No one seeks out life altering injuries or problems, but surely we create space and the potential for them through our thoughts and the desires we project to the universe. It's painfully (pun intended) obvious to me now that I unleashed a massive desire to leave the world of nursing, and as always, the universe is honorable. I accept that I proffered the invitation, and next time I intend to proceed more aware of the intentions I put out there.

Which carries us full circle to my earlier phone conversation. I GOT the INTERNSHIP!! Yes, I really am excited. And, yes, there remains much to arrange and secure to make this new adventure and career path fully possible. I find, however, a strong desire to proceed rather carefully, with my eyes and mind wide open to all the possibilities and potential outcomes. I believe that teaching fulfills my calling, but only a part; and for once I choose to be true to all facets of that calling. I refuse to regret the time I spent in nursing school, or working in the hospitals and hosptice. I feel blessed by a myriad number of events that nursing allowed me to participate in from disaster relief to sharing the end of one's life. That said, I recognize the sacrifices made by my family, particularly my children, and even their dad. The pendulum swung from family always first to business first no matter the consequence. The quest for balance continues in earnest, for children grow far too quickly and rarely wait for us to find it. I never want them to question my willingness to place them first, but I also desperately want them to recognize that honoring our committments to work and school constitutes and integral place in placing my family first.

What an amazing realization. On that note, I'll sign off for the night. I still have an essay to compose, lol!

1 comment:

Toward the Positive said...

Hi KN,
Just now read this posting and loved it! Especially in hindsight since we finished the program three days ago ... and I hadn't met you yet when you posted this. What I liked best is that you epitomized self-efficacy (as did JP) in this posting ... even before you'd studied it. Our belief in ourselves matters so much -- moreso than the skills we possess, or so says Bandura -- but you have the belief AND the skills. So you go, girl!