24 January 2009

Twisting and turning, unable to sleep in my bed

I stumble to my computer, trying to dislodge cobwebs from my head. It's nights like these that I envy Dumbledore his pensieve. Just imagine possessing the ability to unclutter one's mind, and more closely examine select memories! No more mental gymnastics, cerebral tug-of-war between competing memories, or neurons playing Chinese fire drill. Just a calm, unfettered exploration of things long forgotten, but still important.

The elusiveness of sleep seems intrinsically tied to my inability to pin down seemingly random events that, when compared, create a sense of recurring patterns in my life. I feel myself teetering on the dark brink of a wormhole. Fall one direction and land precariously on a new, as yet unknown, path filled with both challenges and rich discovery. Or, tumble toward the inner whirling, chaotic center of familiar discord and majestic mountains already climbed and conquered.

I strive for balance, lean inward out of fear, and call to the wind to carry me away from the all too familiar dis-ease of my past. I no longer wish to stride in lockstep with recurrent destiny, and yearn for the path less traveled by these feet of mine. Even so, some part of me clings to the eye of the storm, bracing for the stress and devastation carried near by the back wall.

Shaking from the force of my silent screams of protest, I wonder if this time I carry sufficient belief in my ability, lessons learned and left behind, to move forward - to trust in the fall toward a new destiny. I crave that with such intensity. It is time, and I fear I cannot survive another repeat of the cycle.

Manifest destiny, considered in this light, resembles not some intangible ideology, but an intentional act, a leap of faith - MY leap of faith. I ask for the strength to take it, and I ask that you come with, into the future. My future, our future, toward the unknown and waiting to be discovered, where we seek not, but beauty, peace and love find us.

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