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03 August 2009

I can’t help but wonder

What a strange day this turned out to be. Woke up feeling majorly depressed. School starts in two weeks for the young ones, we spent little time together as I hunted for the ever elusive job, and I still don’t have anything lined up. My daughter, bless her heart, seems poised to talk herself into staying in an unhealthy and unsupportive relationship, and my sister’s lives stand in equal disarray. I feel hurt, angry, a true cyclonic blend of tumultuous emotions as I think over the work I’ve put into this attempt to move forward and trust that all falls into place at just the right moment.

Last spring my advisor cautioned me against worry, and guaranteed that I would land work by August. Such a guarantee one should never make. I feel almost betrayed by the promise of better and brighter, and angry at those friends who blindly espoused empty worded faith that ‘the right job will come along.’ It didn’t, hasn’t, and isn’t – so now what do you say to retract your well intentioned but ultimately hurtful words? Hurtful, because they conveyed a promise broken, an untruth now exposed in its fullness of what it really says about me , or at least my self on paper.

The sister who made sacrifices, changed plans for the betterment of another and family yet to come, sits bereft of any gratitude for those steps, as well as destitute and without a home. The greater beings turn, out of necessity I suppose, a blind eye to her strife as they worry over others less able to care for themselves. Necessary, but unjust my mind and heart scream.

I look at my children, now asleep and unfettered by the fears and anguish I lost the ability to contain. Where, how, with what still dance in my head with respect to home, health and basic necessity. I feel broken, unable to provide that which I set out to procure on a leap of faith ill suited to these times. The safety net, once used, no longer rests beneath ready to catch us as we fall, and the edge looms ever closer. We should not be here, whispers my mind in desperation, and yet it matters not.

The worst shock of all arrives with my nightly perusal of all things technological in search of just one rightly timed vacancy. Yet another colleague with what appears to be little true need secured the elusive first assignment, and despite a brief celebratory moment on her behalf, anger and fear worm their way deeper into my heart. Her family wants not, they rest securely whilst mine marches solemnly into the unknown, nearly bereft of hope as hunger gnaws the underbelly of our bleak existence.

The universe is honorable, the mantra by which we live and trust, feels empty on my lips. Tonight, I go no further than to question…

Is it?