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11 January 2018

2 years & 2 months - Time, Transitions, & Truth

Time - I cannot believe, despite all the times I've started a new blog post, that I allowed 2 years and 2 months to pass without writing out the feelings of our joint, tumultuously wonderful journey

Transitions - The Girl and The Boy? Not any longer. More my kidults than anything. Brother Bear rocked his way into and through most of his undergrad already - Yes really. The Girl leaves for college in such a short jump from now. With her sights set on NYC, an offer to play as starting setter, one giant obstacle challenges her path forward - Money! Some things never change.

My work involves education, but in the world of nursing; my teacher's license sits lapsed and gathering dust (.. and occasional tears) in the filing cabinet. I started grad school last fall and in another short two years will nearly have completed training as a psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner. Again, yes really.

Truth - My heart of hearts knows the reason for my lack of blogging. Fear. Embarrassment. Uncertainty. Diabetes proved a treacherous and rocky (mountain) road for the girl and I. She ignores. I obsess. Her future health continues to amass a debt born of youthful misunderstanding. I pray the debt remains small. And, that she survives and arrives in that future. I sit embarrassed, convinced my penchant for worry and lack of letting go hold responsibility for her desire to pretend this doesn't exist. Perhaps in part, but she's her own person too. Fear of failure - both past and present. Did I fail as a teacher, or just at the politics of education? Have I made the right choices - for myself, my kids, our futures both together and apart.

The Future - My promise to greet the future - life without kids at home, without trepidation or regret, seems nearly impossible yet necessary. I feel the presence of not resolutions but actions and growth with resolve behind, under and buoying them up niggling at the back of my mind. January First brought faint whispers, and every day they grow infinitesimally louder - not quite ready to make an appearance. I refuse to force the process, especially out of fear. Perhaps their planned appearance is for my 50th, which fits with the idea of celebrating the beginning another year of Presence on this beautiful planet of ours.

To the Future... and Beyond